my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
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I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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