She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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