I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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