I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
