So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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