Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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