i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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