I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
