He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
