Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
