You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
