Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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