genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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