That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Life is so much better after having sex.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
