Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
