I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
there is glitter all over my balls
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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