We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
