My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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