he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
