why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
then he tried to convert me to islam
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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