I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
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Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
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My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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