"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
