Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Randomize
