i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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