There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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