please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
