onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
