I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
