Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
