So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
