So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So many bounce houses so little time
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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