I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
