This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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