Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
