His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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