my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
