A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
