I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
