he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
