So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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