And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
tell me about the eggs
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
