Your tits are I can't wait for
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
