i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
