I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
