not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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