I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
