She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
