the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
