textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
