don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
