the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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