The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
