new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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