U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
