Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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